Snippets of Me

I have been walking (or crawling, rolling, and scooting) this earth for 32 years.  Sometimes, it doesn't feel that long... other times, I think, "How am I not 50 yet?!"

I am not saying that 50 is old... but it is older than I am, and sometimes I feel older than my relatively short time on this planet.

To commemorate my recent birthday... 32 things that define me (in no particular order):


1. I am the eldest of 4 children. My sister and I came first, and then my parents took a few years break and then my two brothers arrived. Basically, my parents hit the jackpot: have two girls that can then become little moms and help with two little boys. 

2. I am a Christ-follower. 

3. I am an over-achiever. There have been numerous occasions when a teacher or professor asked for our notes at the end of a semester and I had them typed up, laminated, and bound before turning them in. I couldn't help it. Now, I'm trying my best to help it. 

4. I am competitive. I was an athlete growing up, and while I don't compete in sports anymore, I find other ways... the Hubs said over Christmas that he doesn't "like" playing board games with my family... I guess we are ALL competitive. 

5. I have Neurocardiogenic Syncope (NCS). I try not to be burdened by my health condition, but its a pretty bad case and therefore, I find it dictating a lot of what I can and can't do and what I can and can't eat. I also find my condition humbling. It is very humble to wake up after passing out while walking through a restaurant. It is humbling to have to lay down on the floor in random places because if I don't I will pass out and fall to the floor instead. It is humbling to have to tell people that I can't fulfill commitments because I can't drive that day. 

6. I love Friends. <--- the Friends that is FINALLY on Netflix. The Friends that I watched nightly for many years. The Friends that got me through labor and delivery of my first child. While I do love my actual friends that talk to me... I also love my Friends that are on TV. 

7. I am a nerd. I love researching things. I love learning new things. I love reading. I love my smartphone not because of the apps and games but because I have endless researching capabilities at my fingertips and if a random question pops into my head, I can search for the answer and read up on any subject. As a friend puts it, I am a "gatherer of random information."

8. I am a Californian. I do not live there currently and do not foresee myself moving back permanently, but at the heart, I am a Californian. I spent 28 years there. Twenty-eight years in a state that has every type of geography and has so much to do. I used to not understand how people lived in other states. When I have lived 29 years in a different (but same) state, I may or may not change this qualification. I have quite a while to figure this out, though.

9. I am a stay-at-home mom. This is something that I never would have guessed for myself. I grew up wanting to attend Stanford. I wanted to be a teacher or a marine biologist for most of my childhood. But here I am, staying home and taking care of my family. This is my career at the moment. 

10. I am the mom to a strong-willed, very intelligent girl. Missy is 5 years old going on 17. She is beautiful and athletic and nurturing. She has the gift of encouragement. According to my parents, she is a carbon copy of myself. She thinks like me, she talks like me, she looks like me... its like I've found a way to clone myself and then give birth to that clone. She loves school and learning and reading. She is very creative. She loves to talk. She is super social and finds it hard not to be with other people. 

11. I am the mom to a stubborn, very energetic, and complicated boy. Bub is 4 years old. He has Celiac Disease and is very proud of this diagnosis. He was also recently diagnosed with high functioning Autism Spectrum Disorder. Neither of these things define him. Neither of these things change the person he is. And the Celiac diagnosis caused the bigger change in our lifestyle. He is very intelligent and is coping with both of these things extremely well and has a team of people surrounding him and helping him. Unlike his sister, he prefers to not be with a lot people. He likes to talk but only talks to those he trusts most. 

12. I have married a man whom I love and respect. He provides very well for his family. He has integrity. He loves and follows God. He is loyal (almost to a fault, but I'm not complaining). He loves kids and is an awesome father. I love that I get to go through life and do this parenting and family thing with him.

13. I am neurotic and a stress-ball. Does this need an explanation?  Ask my third grade teacher. 

14. I have a passion for organizing. Sometimes, I want to get a degree in organizing so that I can then get paid to organize for other people. 

15. On the topic of organizing, I love my label maker. And my post-its. And my sharpies. (Did you know there is a thing as a "sharpie pen"?? It doesn't bleed through paper. You're welcome.)

16. I love to cook. Growing up, I am pretty sure I drove my mom crazy in the kitchen. I wasn't satisfied with "throw x amount of flour in" or "first do this and then do that"... I wanted to know WHY.... why not more flour than that? What is the purpose of this ingredient when it doesn't taste good by itself? Now that I have my own kitchen and the means to research all my questions about the science behind the cooking, I am a happy camper. 

17. I've never been a fan of baking. Until Bub was diagnosed with Celiac Disease. Now, it's beast I want to conquer! 

18. It is something that didn't define me until a few years ago, but I lost my best friend and sister (as well as her husband and kids) in a horrible traffic accident. Living life without the one person I don't remember life without has been the hardest thing ever. 

19. We are in the process of adopting our third child. All 4 of us are so excited to welcome this newest addition - whenever he or she comes. 

20. I am an extrovert. I am not necessarily the life of the party, but I need people around me to energize me. 

21. I have been blessed with friends that I have had for 20+ years and still communicate with almost daily, even though we are 3000 miles apart. These women have helped to shape me into the person that I am today. They have prayed with me. Gone through the death of my sister with me. Have encourage me and counseled me. We have grown together and I feel so lucky to have met them so young in life. On the flip side, I have been blessed with a few awesome friends since moving to Georgia and I hope to still call them friends 20+ years from now!

22. (10 more!!) I find blogging therapeutic. I love writing and engaging people on this platform. 

23. Much to the dismay of my husband, I collect books. I have paired down over the years (some are now in ebook format), but he probably would have preferred me to come into the marriage with a rock collection. It weighs less.

24. We have moved seven times since we got married 7.5 years ago. 

25. I am a cat person. I prefer them to dogs. Except Donner. She has been with me for 6 of those 7 moves and I love her. 

26. I. LOVE. COFFEE. I am a former barista that married a former coffee roaster. Coffee is a big part of our lives. 

27. I am regretting that I chose to write 32 things that define me as a 32 year old. (Does that count? I'm deciding that it does.)

28. I have recently learned to sew with a sewing machine. I find great satisfaction in completed projects but often feel like throwing my machine across the room. It is a weird mix of stress-relieving and stress-inducing. This is better than when I took up knitting or crocheting though; I will leave that crafting hobby to my mom and sister. It's for the sake of my family that I don't knit or crochet. 

29. I love my church. I have been active in many churches over the years doing everything from admin work, to nursery, to singing worship (and even a little guitar and bass playing), and church planting. The church we are at here, has tugged at my heart strings in a new way. I will be truly sad to have to leave it eventually. (To all of you that attend with me: I am not planning on leaving willingly, it is just the nature of the Hubs' career.)

30. I tend to root for the under-dog. I was a Sacramento Kings fan through the 90s if you need an example.

31. I come from a family that had regular family dinners and regular family game nights even after my sister and I were married. We are THAT family. Close knit. We have a group text thread currently. 

32. I like to think that I am dependable and loyal. I hate when and if I have to cancel on someone. 


There you have it! 32 things that define me.  That was a lot harder than I thought it would be! Special thanks to the handful of friends I texted for help for the last few items!! ;)

Perfect Grace

2015 is upon us. 

2015!!

Where did 2014 go?! 

2012 was a nightmare in the end due to The Accident. 2013 was a blur as I came out of the fog of mourning. But 2014?

It was busy. It was crazy. It was chaotic. I didn't get a lot of blogging done because, while my kids are no longer itty-bitty and hanging off my arms, they are now big and require more space in my lap and block my view of the computer when they sit on it... And well, typing is hard when you can't see the screen and the keyboard. Yes, they are in school during the day, but good grief it's been busy and that's when I can actually accomplish things like cleaning the pee off the bathroom floor and grocery shopping and volunteering and trying to grab a cup of coffee with a friend. Once they go to sleep, I'm back to cleaning and visiting with my husband before I crash into bed and sleep. 

As I type this... I'm not at my computer. I'm on my phone. Typing into an app. Dinner is done. Bedtime has not quite happened yet. I am kinda-sorta hiding. Because that's how I roll these days. 

2014 was probably the most disorganized year of my life. I felt like a chicken with my head cut off most of the time. I've been hard on myself and hard on my family because I just couldn't cope. Disorganization causes me to lose my mind. When it's self-inflicted disorganization? Nope. Can't even. 

During all the craziness that was my year... add in December and all that it brings with it... I was a hot mess when I received a Facebook message from an old friend: "Thought of you." It then went on to talk about a small band of bloggers that she was putting together. "Bloggers Anonymous." A 12-week challenge. 12 topics. One per week. A place for us to come together. To grow. To connect. To encourage. 

I've been doing pretty good to blog once a quarter in the past year (maybe less than that... Please, don't go count!), so I decided that maybe reconnecting with my writing and my readers and this little band of bloggers was just what I needed. An outlet. Something to put the chaos that is my brain into order. Just the way I like it!! 

So here you go, readers!! 12 posts in 12 weeks!! Can you handle it?!?! I sure hope so cuz it's happening! 

Power Word

This year, 2015 gets a Power Word! 

I have struggled to come up with a word or phrase that will define and shape the next year. But today, while scrolling Facebook, it came to me. 

I try to keep a lot of my inner dialogue hidden from the world. Mainly because I think that I'm a little crazy. I've recently begun to branch out and let a few people see it... And out of that has developed the phrase, "I pulled a Monica and (enter any neurotic, paranoid, freak out, fast talking, coffee-fueled scenario you want here)."  I know they mean well. I love my friends.  Imagine the brain of a neurotic Jack Russell terrier and a chihuahua combined and you have my brain. 

Now for some of you whom have known me for a long time, you may be saying, "No way! You are so even-keeled!" No. I'm telling you! I am a duck!! Calm on the outside and completely freaking out and paddling to stay afloat under the surface!! 

Letting my friends get a glimpse of the real me has been so freeing!! Weight has been lifted off my back! Now that they know... What do I have to hide from them?! 

Most of my life I have felt like had to be perfect. I felt like I couldn't make a mistake. I couldn't get a bad grade. I had to have my life together. I had to be able to do it all. 

But let's be real. I am far from perfect. 

Only one person has ever been and will ever be perfect. He is the one that I live my life for and the one I strive to be more like, but in reality, I fall short every day. 

So in 2015, I am offering myself grace. Grace to mess up. I will allow myself to get up and try again. I will ask my kids for forgiveness when I lose my patience and make a mistake because they need to know that Momma isn't perfect and that I mess up just like they do. I'll be real with my friends and let them see me for me. I'll focus more on the relationship with the friend rather than what I THINK they are thinking about me. My REAL friends accept me for me and love me for me, so why not be real with them? 

I have goals this year. Goals to simplify my home and life and get back to the organized state I prefer.

But my mantra for this year: I am far from perfect. Let there be grace. 

Motherhood

During this time of year... well, often throughout the year... I reflect on the calling of Motherhood.  

Growing up, I often didn't realize what motherhood was really like and all that it entailed.  After all, raising kids isn't too hard, right? WRONG!! 

Motherhood is messy.  It's exhausting.  It is draining and thankless and never-ending.  Just as you think you have gotten it all figured out and life is smooth sailing, one of your children will vomit all over the rug, or one will punch another one in the face (this hasn't happened to me... yet... the punching, not the vomiting - that has happened... a little too often for my taste... and not just by the 2-legged children... but more often by the 4-legged ones... but I digress...). 

My point is, motherhood is hard.  There isn't one perfect way of doing it, if there was, motherhood (and fatherhood) would come with an instruction manual.  But it doesn't.  Every mother is different.  Every child is different.  Two women can have the same basic event happen to them, but you know what?  It's still not the exact same because each woman will have a different personality and a different outlook and therefore will EXPERIENCE it... differently.  

Our goal as mothers should be to raise upstanding citizens that care for others, that have passion and a drive for something, that can stand on their own two feet in life, and make something of themselves. Our goal shouldn't be to "outdo" the mother next to us.  It shouldn't be all about "keeping up with the Jones'"... sometimes what the Jones' have isn't what is best for your family.  Stay true to yourself and who you are.  

As mothers, we should be encouraging one another.  We should be supporting one another.  We should be uplifting and mentoring and just being there for each other!  Instead, I see passive aggressive Facebook and "Mommy Board" posts or not-so-passive-but-just-plain-ol'-aggressive posts tearing each other down and lifting ourselves up.  

So whether you are a mother of 1 or a mother of 20, a cottage dwelling mom or a mansion dwelling mom, an organic eating mom or a food allergy mom, a gifted student mom or a special needs mom, a stay-at-home mom or a work-outside-the-home mom... YOU ROCK!  

You do you, I'll do me, and lets just agree that we are all doing the best we can for our children and families.  And if we see one of us struggling, let's lend them a hand and maybe supply them with a coffee to make it through the tough times.  If we see a mom do something that we would "never let our children do" (like letting our son walk into a cement pillar face first and bounce off of it), remember that you don't know the full story (like the fact that I have told him countless times to watch where he is walking and that I decided that maybe the consequence of running into said cement pillar would be the best way for him to learn to walk with his head facing forward and his eyes open). We have all been there and I'm sure one of our kids is just waiting to throw us a curve ball just as we get a little comfortable.

Enjoy your children.  Sing songs from Frozen with them... belt it out!  Turn on a bubble machine and dance!

Happy Mother's Day!

Life as I Knew It

A year ago today, there was a knock at my door and policemen told me about an accident that had happened earlier that day claiming the lives of my sister, her husband, and three sons. From that moment on, my life as I knew it changed. If you haven't been with me long enough to have read my first post on what is now known as "The Accident", you can read that here.

Being only a year apart, I do not remember life without Diana. I’ve heard stories of when she was a baby and I was a… well, a baby myself.  I know I was excited to have a baby sister from day 1.  Even though she was my BABY sister, it never felt like she was younger than me.  It always felt more like we were twins.  We loved matching our clothes, putting on dance and theatrical and musical productions, playing Batman and Robin, and pretending that our own room was actually an apartment… our parents were other tenants and the van was actually a bus we caught to get around town.  We have one memory that is very fond.  We had guests staying at our house, and during the day, the air mattress was stored upright against our closet.  We had a bunk bed and had the amazing idea to lean the mattress at an angle against the bed with one of us standing underneath as support, and then we could take turns sliding down the mattress as a slide!  I’m guessing we were probably a little loud in our excitement because my dad came in as I was underneath and Diana was sitting on the top.  He asked what we were doing… and without hesitation, we both answered in unison, “We had to move the mattress to get into the closet.”  He stared at us for awhile… we stared back.  Then he shrugged his shoulders and said, “Oh ok!” as he walked out of the room.  We BURST into a fit of giggles.  As we grew older we continued to do a lot together and slowly our separate groups of friends became one group of friends.  When it came to competition and dividing into teams we always did our best to get on the same team because, as our friends can attest, it was almost an unfair advantage.  Sometimes we even split into teams: the B girls vs. everyone else.  

Chris was a part of our joint group of close friends.  He has been apart of my life for nearly half of it!  We started out as close friends: talking on the phone a few times and exchanging letters while he was in Korea, and then speaking on the phone weekly while he was in Iraq.  Though we did have a rough patch, I can say that we had forgiven and moved on and we were family at the end.  I am so glad that whatever it was we were at odds about was resolved before "The Accident"... I can't imagine having that anger towards him and not being able to talk to him and make amends.  He was my brother.  My favorite memories are watching him interact with Missy.  If she wanted him to take her potty, he took her.  If she wanted him to tie her shoes, he tied them.  I can still see them hand in hand, walking through the National Air and Space Museum.  She loved her Uncle Chris and he loved and doted on her too.  The last text conversation we had was right after they found out they were pregnant with Ethan.  I asked him how he was doing and if he was excited.  From the family provider’s perspective, he was nervous but knew it would all work itself out.  But he also said that he was excited for Diana because she was SO excited.  He loved her so much and just wanted her to be happy!  He soon became just as excited as she was to welcome a new son into their family.  

Diana and I were close in age and we loved it growing up, so we decided that we, too, would have children close in age.  Being that we reached child-bearing age at the same time, we were pregnant together, having babies together, and raising our families… together.

Sam was like Diana.  He was sweet and quiet and nurturing.  He even wanted to be an animal doctor “just like Mommy.”  The first time he saw Missy, he was so excited and loved her.  They were best friends.  When Missy saw something she knew he likes, like the iron man mask in Target or the life sized Power Ranger at Hollywood Studios, she would ask to take a picture and show Sam.  And he always did the same thing for her.  When she filled her pee-pee and poo-poo sticker charts, he sent her a video congratulating her.  Whenever they would FaceTime or Skype, they would spend much of the time just sitting with huge silly grins on their faces, just staring at each other.  

Connor was vivacious and goofy and loud.  The dynamic and noise level in their home definitely changed when Connor came along.  He and Bub were closer in age than Sam and Missy, and it seemed like their goal in life was to make the other cry first.  They never tried to hurt each other, but they sure knew how to push each other’s buttons.  Those two would have been trouble together as they got older, scheming against the rest of us.  I’m sad that Bub will never get the chance to be as close to Connor as Missy was with Sam.  

None of us got the immense pleasure of meeting Ethan in person.  All I know is that Squishy liked to bounce.  

Psalm 139:13-16 now sounds to me as if Ethan spoke it himself, “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!  Your workmanship is marvelous and how well I know it.  You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.  You saw me before I was born.  Every day of my life was recorded in your book.  Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.”  I can’t wait to meet him one day.  I also can’t wait to see Diana again.  We have this connection… our own language… we just get each other.  I will forever miss her.  A part of me went with her.

Legacy

Over the past year, the word "legacy" has been on my mind a lot.  Earlier this summer, I was at a farewell luncheon for a family that was moving on to a new state and job. We were guests at the church for VBS Sunday and although we had only just met the family, it was obvious that they were leaving behind an amazing legacy at the church as well as in the community in which we live. The couple had begun a preschool and the county's mom's club, as well as many programs within the church. They have a huge passion for family and community and it's contagious!

My sister has also left behind a huge legacy around the country with her kind, gentle-hearted spirit and her carseat advocacy. I am still meeting people online that knew of her and were touched by her.  One of her friends recently wrote an amazing blog post about child passenger safety.  If you have children or transport children, you should definitely check out this post.  Diana's friend, Bree, is very knowledgeable and communicated wonderfully the ins and outs and importance of following more than just the law (which is extremely outdated) but also the recommendations made by the people and organizations who know their stuff.  Diana's passion about safety of all children was contagious!  You couldn't listen to her talk about it and walk away and not wonder if you were doing everything in your power to make sure your children are as safe as they can be.  If there is one thing we can learn about "The Accident" it is that no matter how safe YOU are as a driver, you can't predict how OTHERS are going to drive, so we need to take any necessary precaution we can.

One thing that has come across my mind time and time again is 'What kind of legacy am I leaving?'  If I am taken from this world tomorrow, would people even notice?  If you were to leave this world, what kind of legacy would you leave behind?  Would you be remembered as a kind, caring, loving individual? Or would you be remembered as a selfish individual who couldn't be troubled to take the time to help someone else?  What are you doing for the greater good? What are you passionate about and are you sharing that passion? 

What kind of legacy are you creating? 

Until next time,