Thursday, December 6, 2012

A Long Road

I missed Day 4 & 5 of the Advent Tree.  We did them, and I can give you the details in a few short sentences.  We had a movie night with chocolate milk and popcorn and the kiddos got another fun ornament to hang on their tree. :)  We watched the VeggieTale movie about Saint Nicholas.  I'm still unsure how we are going to handle the Santa thing in our home.  I know there is a lot of magic in believing for the kids, but I'm still not sure.  I do know that we want to focus the holiday on Jesus, but there is something to say about Saint Nicholas and what he did and why he did it.  I have a feeling that we need to decide sooner rather than later as Missy is 3 years old.  I asked her on Day 1 what Christmas was all about and she said, "It's when Baby Jesus comes and brings me presents." For now, we'll go with that. :)

For the sake of full disclosure, I feel that I must share with you how hard the past few days have been.  If you are just joining me, you can read my initial post about The Accident here.  The holidays are drawing closer and it is becoming harder to plan knowing that a big part of my life will not physically be here with us. This time last year, Diana and I were planning the activities and projects we wanted to do with the kids.  We crammed as much as we could into the 4 days they were with us.  I can't help but think about the fact that this Christmas was supposed to be at their house.  When we bought the kiddos their Christmas pajamas this year and I tried with all my might to find matching girl/boy fleece footed pajamas that were also masculine and feminine, I could only think of how cute it would have been to get all 4 of the kids together in fleece footed pajamas... and that maybe this year we could have finally gotten all four kids not only looking at the camera, but also smiling.  I can't help but think about Sam's 4th birthday and Bub's 2nd birthday could have been celebrated together this year.

In all of this, I feel a gaping hole.  I feel an emptiness that I have never felt before.  My partner in life (besides Hubs) is gone.  She isn't on vacation or busy... She is physically gone.  A new normal has not yet been found.  I keep hanging in there.  Getting through each day, taking it moment by moment and holding onto the memories that have been made and the memories being made, because those memories may be the last.

Life has new meaning.  I try to savor each moment and not take anything for granted.  I am reading Hope for the Weary Mom, by Brooke McGlothlin and Stacey Thacker, with two of my dear friends.  It's our own little book club via group text message!  :)  It's so much fun and the conversation has been so great.  The current chapter was definitely hard to read though.  It is all about dealing with and overcoming loss.  One point that I took from it is that I am not following God because of what he can do for me... I am following God because of what he has already done for me.  I need to keep my faith and trust in Him to get me through.  Brooke says near the end of the chapter, "But healing can't be forced.  It simply takes time.  And as with everything else in life, true healing comes as God leads us toward it, peeling back layer after layer of raw hurt, and breathing new life into our wounds."  I am definitely on the road to healing, and I know it is going to be a long road full of good days and bad.  


Until next time,

~Monica

9 comments:

  1. Well sweetie, now I know for sure that my body has expelled all traces of my anti-depression meds (I stopped taking them a couple of weeks ago). I know this, because I'm feeling sadness, anguish and pain again. What you just wrote about Diana and how you're dealing with her loss brought me to tears. It is still so unreal. I love you.

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    1. It is unreal. But the reality is sinking in slowly.

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    2. ((Hugs)) I'm so sorry you all have to go through this. Prayers your way, always!

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  2. I was just checking to see if there was any advent activities :-) I'm glad I did. Ahhh... I really don't know what to say , I think you're def in the road to being and feeling better . I just can't imagine -- so I'm a little speechless. I'm glad you have your close friends to talk to and let it all out , who know and understand you and will be there all the way with you. The only thing that makes me sad we left GA is you... I could've been there for you physically in this hard journey. I think everyday of your sister and her fam. especially when I drive , It reminds to be more cautious, to not take anything for granted , to be more thankful -- and I didn't even know her , so again , I can't imagine ....Xo

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    1. Yas, you have been there more than you realize. You check in on me nearly daily and I'm thankful for that. :)

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    2. :-( here come the waterworks - the only times I don't text is not to "bother " you lol, I just want to make sure you're ok, or that you can "let out" anytime whatever is going on in the moment .

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  3. Monica, you make me cry with each post. Your writing is so natural. The healing process is such a long one (forever really) God bless you and yours.
    Love Auntie Grandma

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    1. Thank you, Auntie Grandma! Love you!

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